


Dreams of Falling

by DemiCas



Category: Cardcaptor Sakura - anime
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Loss, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-17 06:47:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9310067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemiCas/pseuds/DemiCas
Summary: He had cut out a piece of his soul to save Yukito once, but now he had nothing left to give, no other way of protecting what he loved. He could only have done what he did, but had it all meant nothing?





	

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: The whole Yue/Yuki situation is so fraught -- and so amazingly fertile -- that I actually wrote more than one fic addressing it. "Domestic Arrangements" was the humorous crackfic version; this one is more...emotionally realistic, I think. Time for your daily dose of angsty!Touya!
> 
> Rated T for a couple bad words and just because it's got more adult emotions going on.
> 
> Oh, and although I almost always base my CCS fic on the anime, I like the color of Yuki's eyes from the covers of the manga better. So there.
> 
> Disclaimer: No, no, no. No ownership. No money. No disrespect intended.

.

Touya stood in the middle of the night-dark forest, looking for something. He couldn’t remember what it was, but the longing for it was an ache in his chest.

They were on the veranda again, where they’d shot that last scene for their school movie. It was dark now, and there was no one behind the camera, no one in the director’s chair, no one standing on the lawn, looking up at the shoot.

Touya looked over the railing. No lawn.

Below him yawned an endless sea of night, featureless, without stars, only a full moon hanging high above him, remote and watchful. He felt a qualm of vertigo and stepped away from the edge.

“Did you forget your line?” Yukito asked cheerfully.

Touya whirled around and stared at his friend, who apparently noticed nothing wrong. “What?” he said stupidly, too dazed for the moment to form a more meaningful reply.

Yukito laughed. “It’s not as embarrassing as Cinderella, is it? And we’re almost done – this is the last scene. Do you want to look at the script again?”

Touya shook his head, trying to clear it. “No, no, that’s not it.” He took a deep breath and looked Yukito in the eye. “Yuki, I know all about it...”

Yukito blinked, confused. “We’ve already done that scene, haven’t we?”

“No, I –”

Before he could finish, Yukito suddenly sagged, his eyes going dim. His breath went out in a little sigh. “Ah.” He rubbed his eye absently. “Gomen nasai, To-ya,” he muttered, “We should finish the scene, but I’m just so sleepy. I...” He staggered against the iron railing of the veranda. Touya lunged forward, trying to catch him again before he got too close to the edge. “Yuki! Be careful!” he cried.

Yukito fell.

It played out in an agonising slow-motion, and all Touya could do was watch as Yukito collapsed over the rail, folding in half like a rag doll, to fall head first into the darkness below. Touya had to will his paralyzed body into action, swimming with heartbreaking slowness through the chill night air, reaching frantically into space to catch at anything – a hand, an arm, a sleeve.

He caught Yukito by the wrist and nearly wrenched his own arm out of its socket. Gasping for breath, he tried to haul his friend up, but he didn’t have the leverage – Yukito was a dead weight, and Touya needed to keep his other hand on the railing to keep from over-balancing. Yukito stirred restlessly, like a person trying to wake from a troubled sleep. Touya tightened his grip and cursed with frustration.

Suddenly Yukito’s head flew up, and his eyes snapped open. His eyes were not hazel-gold but silver-violet -- cat-pupiled and cold as the moon in winter.

“You cannot save me, To-ya.”

Touya gasped in shock and almost let go of the hand he was clutching so desperately. The voice was cool and even, the use of the familiar nick-name like a slap in the face.

The not-Yukito was staring up at him with an expression of remote arrogance. “You always wanted to protect me, ne? You tried to shelter me, keep me away from harm. But even though you could see something coming, you couldn’t stop it, could you? I fell, and there was nothing you could do. You couldn’t save me then; what makes you think you can do anything now, now that given your self away?”

Touya’s breath sobbed in the cold night air. “I did save you!” His voice dropped to a hoarse whisper as he stared into those hideously wrong eyes. “I saved _him_. I gave up so much, almost everything I had. I _did_ save him!”

The thing that was not Yukito regarded him almost pityingly. “Did you? Whom did you really save, Kinomoto-san?”

Suddenly the unearthly eyes fluttered shut, and Yukito’s head lolled forward, his body limp again. His hand spasmed in Touya’s grasp, and Touya felt him slipping away. Sick with panic, Touya let go his steadying hold on the veranda railing and reached with his other hand to grab Yukito’s wrist, overreaching dangerously. His fingers brushed the cuff of his friend’s shirt, but Yukito was already gone, already falling into the infinite gulf of night.

“ _YUKI!_ ” Touya screamed and almost leaped over the railing in a paroxysm of grief.

The last thing he saw was a pale face staring up at him, eyes open and golden now, filled with fear and blame. “To-ya!” And nothing.

Then a flash of blue-white light filled the vast night, and Touya turned his face from its cold brilliance, knowing what was to come and finding himself past caring. He was empty now, empty of everything except loss. Let that damn angel come. Let him gloat. Let him live and kill everything Touya loved. It didn’t matter anymore.

Yue rose slowly from below, his steady wing beats booming in the silence. As the blaze of his transformation dimmed, Touya turned, then let out all his breath in one sigh – of hope or despair he could not tell.

Yue was carrying Yukito in his arms.

“This a trick, Yue?” Touya asked bitterly. “Want me to identify the body?”

The Moon Guardian drew level with Touya, stopping to hover about two meters away. He raised a cool silver eyebrow. “No trick, Kinomoto-san. He lives, as you see.” In Yue’s faint luminescence Touya could see that Yukito’s chest rose and fell, and his eyelids shivered as if he were dreaming. _Oh gods, he’s still alive._ Touya felt weak with relief.

“I saved him from his fall, as you could not.” Yue looked down at his alter-ego’s sleeping face. There was no affection in his gaze, nor any disgust, just a calm, inhuman calculation. “Indeed, I hold his very existence in my hands.”

Touya’s relief twisted, congealed, hardened into fear, a sliver of ice driven deep into his heart. “What do you mean by that?” he said, pretending he didn’t know the answer.

Yue turned his cat-like gaze to Touya. “This one is, after all, merely my false form. A disguise and a mask, a way to hide myself until my power was restored enough for manifestation. Now that I am strong, what is his purpose? Why should I not be manifest always? Soon Sakura’s power will be great enough to sustain me, and I will no longer need even that which you gave me. What then would be my debt to either of you?”

Rage exploded inside Touya then, so hot and swift that he felt dizzy with its power, and he gripped the railing until his hands turned numb. He narrowly fought back the urge to fling himself across the gap of darkness to take the Moon Guardian by the throat.

“You fucking _bastard_!” he spat. “He’s as real as you are! _More_ real! _He_ has friends, people that love him and what have _you_ got? You can’t take him away! I won’t let you!”

“Indeed? And how will you prevent it, Kinomoto-san? You have given me all your power and have been left empty; you are just an ordinary human being. What can you do now?”

A familiar wave of shame swamped the heat of his anger, leaving him shaking and cold. It was true; Touya knew it was all true, but the nakedness of the accusation tore at him like a handful of knives. He had cut out a piece of his soul to save Yukito once, but now he had nothing left to give, no other way of protecting what he loved. He could only have done what he did, but had it all meant nothing?

Touya lowered his head, staring at his white knuckles. “You said you’d protect him,” he whispered.

Yue shook his head. “I said I would protect Sakura, and I will. She is the Mistress of the Cards, and I serve her.” He paused. “But I do not need Yukito to do that.”

Just like that. His sacrifice, his love, come to dust. “Don’t take him away from me.” Touya raised his eyes, hot and dry with a grief beyond tears, and met the Moon Guardian’s cool violet gaze. “Please.”

Yue’s expression softened. “Touya,” he said quietly, “he is already gone.”

And he opened his arms and let Yukito fall into nothing.

This time Touya did leap over the railing, his arms outstretched in impotent desperation, Yukito’s name torn from his throat in the speed of his fall. The gulf of night, the hole in his heart, swallowed him.

 

               .........................................................

 

Touya woke with a terrible wrenching sensation that left him feeling queasy and disoriented. For several long moments all he could do was lie still and gasp, trying to regain both his breath and his wits.

When his world stopped spinning, he realized he’d fallen out of bed and was lying in a twisted heap of bedclothes on the floor. One pajama leg was bunched up painfully behind his knee. But he knew where he was now:  his own bedroom, his own house, and it was midnight and dark and silent. Shaky and weak, he slowly began to disentangle himself, trying not to think of the dream.

_Oh gods, let it have been a dream..._

He had nearly finished escaping his self-made trap when there was a noise at his open window. A new wave of fear and anger swept him as he looked up into the inhumanly beautiful face of the Moon Guardian as he stepped gracefully and familiarly into Touya’s room to hover in the middle of the floor, his great white wings just brushing the ground.

“You!” Touya rasped.

The Moon Guardian looked startled at this greeting, but he recovered his composure so swiftly that Touya wasn’t even sure he’d seen what he’d seen.

Yue regarded him for a moment, then inclined his head. “Touya,” he said.

Touya pulled the last blanket away from his legs and glared. “What the hell are you doing here?”

This time Yue’s surprise was undeniable and the Guardian drew back a few inches, though his voice remained cool and unemotional. “We...sensed your distress.”

It was Touya’s turn for surprise. “What?”

Yue frowned slightly. “We felt your nightmare,” he said patiently, as if explaining something to a small child. “Your fear came to us while we slept. We awoke, and I came to you.”

“You were _eavesdropping_ on my dream?”

Yue frowned again. “You misunderstand me. I did not say we _saw_ the dream; I said we _felt_ it. Your suffering was so great that it woke both me and my other self.” The Moon Guardian looked away as if embarrassed. “It was at his urging that I came.”

There was no need to ask who _he_ was, and Touya felt his anger slide away, leaving only weariness and a small warm feeling of joy that Yukito had heard him, somehow. He got up off the floor and sat on the edge of his bed, staring down at his hands clasped between his knees. “How is this possible?” he asked.

Yue drifted a bit closer and gazed down at the top of Touya’s head. Had Touya been looking up, he would have seen that the Guardian’s expression was gentle, almost human. “You gave us your magic, Touya,” Yue said softly. “Part of you is in us, and even now a thread of this power binds us together. In time, this thread will thin and break, but now the connection is strong enough that we heard you when you cried out in your dream.”

Touya shook his head in wonder, looking up at the winged figure hovering over him. “So, why did you come?”

To Touya’s surprise, Yue simply stared at him and made a small noise that sounded like exasperation. “Yukito was right,” he muttered to himself. Then to Touya he said, “Why don’t you ask _him_?”

The light of the transformation was gentle, gold mingling with the blue-white. When it was over, Yukito was standing where Yue had hovered, wearing pajamas and a worried expression. “To-ya,” he began, his voice soft with concern.

Touya surged to his feet – the sight of Yukito standing there, solid and real, was almost overwhelming after the intensity of the nightmare. “Oh, gods, Yuki!” he breathed, and crushed his friend in a fierce embrace.

Yukito leaned his head against Touya’s shoulder and returned the embrace as best he could for being trapped by stronger arms. “To-ya,” he said, “it’s all right, it’s all right. I’m here.”

Suddenly Touya stepped back and held Yukito at arm’s length, staring hard into his golden eyes. “But you weren’t! That’s the point! You fell, but I couldn’t catch you. I couldn’t save you, and Yue just let you fall!”

Yukito reached up and laid a hand on Touya’s arm. He smiled gently. “Do you want to tell me about it?” he asked.

Touya turned away abruptly and almost fell to the bed, suddenly lightheaded. He didn’t want to talk about the dreams, not even to Yuki. Especially not to Yuki. Yukito had enough to worry about right now – troubling him with stupid nightmares just seemed cruel. And how could Touya even say it? How could he say that he feared Yukito’s other self was trying to kill him? Touya tried to convince himself that now that he was awake the whole thing seemed ludicrous, but he couldn’t. Still the wound in his soul gaped, threatening to swallow him.

Yukito sat down beside him, close but not quite touching. “Please, To-ya? I know something’s wrong.”

That mild voice broke something in Touya, and it all came out in a rush: the vertigo, the terror when Yukito’s hand had slipped out of his own, Yue’s cruel mockery of his fear. But he still couldn’t tell him about the empty place, the one that threatened to swallow him now as it had swallowed Yukito in the dream.

Yukito sat quietly through the telling, his gaze fixed on Touya’s profile. When Touya finished, and a weary silence stretched between them like a silk cord pulled too tight, he put a hand on his friend’s hands, calming their restless movement. He sighed, then, and tilted his head so he could catch Touya’s eye. Touya jerked a little, startled, but returned the gaze. “To-ya,” Yukito said softly, “what makes you think Yue wants to hurt me?”

“I- I-” Touya stammered. “Yuki, I can’t protect you any more! What if that – that _person_ wants to take over? What if he decides he doesn’t _like_ waiting for an emergency to come out and play? What if he never lets you be you again?!” Touya began to shake, as the stress of the last few days – from broken sleep and nightmares – caught up with him all at once. Yukito put his arms around him and held him until the trembling subsided.

“To-ya,” Yukito said at last, “it’s alright, it really is. Yue would never hurt you, and he could no more hurt me than hurt himself.”

Touya clenched his jaw. “How do you know?” he said bitterly.

“I _know_.” Yukito looked at him almost sadly. He hesitated, then said softly, “To-ya, it’s – it’s not as if we were two people...”

Touya turned to stare at Yukito, open-mouthed, wanting to deny this outrageous statement, but when he looked in those beautiful green-gold eyes, he saw that somehow it was true.

“H-how...?”

“Yue and I had a little talk the other night, while I was asleep.” Yukito smiled ruefully, shaking his head. “I’ve been fighting him ever since I found out about him, you know. I resented having to share a life with someone I didn’t even know. I wanted to be myself, not a ‘false form’ or a subset of someone else. So I fought and fought until I was exhausted. And when I couldn’t fight anymore, we talked.”

Yukito chin lifted, and he gazed ahead of him, not seeing, remembering. “I don’t know if I can really describe it, because I don’t know if I fully understand it, but I know now I can’t be myself without Yue. We can’t be cut apart like that. We’re not one person – we’re not even two personalities in one person – but we’re not two people, either. We’re made from the same essence, To-ya, that’s the only way I can put it. We’re connected now in a way humans aren’t.”

Yukito turned his head, meeting Touya’s gaze, and his face was suffused with a quiet joy so complete that Touya thought his heart would break. “And we both love you, To-ya. It’s different for Yue than for me, because he doesn’t feel things like humans do, but we do both love you.”

Touya felt as if he were falling again, falling towards the empty place in his soul, the gap left by a terrible and necessary sacrifice. But instead of darkness and horror, there were strong arms reaching out to hold him, voices speaking soothingly, and eyes – gold _and_ violet – gazing at him with compassion and affection.

“You have protected us,” said a voice that was neither and both Yukito’s and Yue’s. “We will protect you.”

Touya lurched forward, dizzy, and nearly fell off the bed, but Yukito caught him. The arms were real, the touch was real. Yukito was here. Here.

“Yuki, I’m sorry – ” Touya whispered.

“Don’t apologise.” Yukito touched his forehead to Touya’s, his soft grey hair falling in Touya’s eyes. “You never have to apologise to me about anything.”

“I’m sorry anyway. And tell Yue, too.”

“Of course, To-ya.”

Touya took a deep breath. “Stay with me, Yuki?” The question was not just for here, now, but for every thing, every time. And knowing the answer did not make the asking any easier.

Yukito smiled, that smile that took Touya’s breath away. “Hai.”

They sat quietly for a moment, Yukito’s arms still around his friend, just there. Then Yukito pulled back slightly and blinked. “Ne, To-ya! How will you explain to your father how I got here?”

Touya laughed shortly, in spite of – or because of – everything. “’Tousan is out of town, and Sakura, well, Sakura knows.”

_The hardest thing in the world is to ask for help_.

“I…I love you, too, Yuki,” Touya whispered.

Then he shut his eyes and let himself fall.

 


End file.
